Payday 2 : WTF Mode
by Def4ult Se77ings
Summary: Deathwish ? Meh . Cloakers , Tasers, Shields and Bulldozers attacking at the same time ? Whatever. Captain Winters (Even though he's kinda weak) ? Bring him on. I bet you'd take on an entire battalion of that insanity than one chapter of what this fic contains. One minute it's crack, the next theres story , a giraffe is somehow involved. Just, I don't know. Read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

*WARNING! This fic is composed of crack and whatever insanity I might have been bored enough to dream up of. Expect no coherent story whatsoever. Expect some degree of laziness. Expect- oh you get the point. Regardless, enjoy.

* * *

 **The Harvest & Trustee Bank , Midday...**

" IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN' TASER ! "

" Wha-"

Hoxton(Pre Hoxton Brekout) recieved Wolf's warning too late, and seconds later , the blue-suited heister found himself babbling incoherently as the special unit struck with his taser.

" I'm the fucking sparkman ! " the taser yelled with glee as he watched the heister squirm from his attack.

"Hblebblaghbreharnbgemgnmblabmbethesin ! " The blue suited heister babbled as his left arm managed to struggle towards a small button mounted on the right side of his lightweight ballistic vest.

" What was that ? Couldn't understand ya . " The taser mocked as he increased voltage, making him squirm more as his thumb barely managed to hover over the button.

*BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !*

" I think he meant to say ; " Have a taste of your own medicine ! " " Chains yelled out from the front of the bank as he kicked the thermal drill, which was currently lodged in the bank vault.

" Keep drillin' ya' peice of shit ! "

" Wha ? I took my pills this morning, that made no sense. And how could you understand hi-"

The taser never got to finish, as Hoxton pressed the button, sending a shock through the taser's prongs, and into the taser himself

" Wreah ! Bleh ! Wrblhblhbhlehblahbleh ! " the taser shrieked as he dropped his weapon, falling to the ground in a fit of spasms as Hoxton sunk to his knees.

" And THATS how Shockproof Aced works everyone ! Well ,for Def4lt's logic. Still , LOGIC ! " Wolf said as he gave a thumbs up to the wall.

" Wolf , who the hell are you talking to ? " Dallas asked as he slowly picked the safe in the managers office.

" It's Probably them voices inside his head aga-"

*BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !*

" I HATE THIS BROKE DICK PIECE OF SHIT DRILL ! " Chains yelled out as he began beating the drill with the butt of his shotgun.

" Not this time , Chains. This time I was talking to the reader and every Technician player who doesn't understand how the hell aced Shockproof works. "

" Wolf, now's not the time to break the 4th wall. We're barely into the plot yet. You need to take hos-"Bain started, only to be cut off by the

"Yeah yeah, hostages. Whatever. " Wolf nonchalantly responded as he disabled his small headset in his ear.

"Ok...Oh thank god, I finally fixed this damn thi-"

BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !

" WOLF ! GET YO' CRAZY ASS OVER HERE AND FIX THIS FUCKIN' DRILL ! " Chains screamed as he alternated between bashing the drill with his gun and his foot.

" Oh god, I hate those fuckers. " Hoxton said to himself as Wolf helped him to his feet.

" Y'know Wolf, you could've helped me out back there with the whole taser thing. " Hoxton grumbled as Wolf walked over towards a fuming Chains.

" Yeah, maybe we could go for pizza later Jami-Oh, wha ? You say something ? " Wolf asked as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

" Nevermind . " Hoxton responded as he turned his attention to the black S.W.A.T. van that pulled up in the front of the bank, but not before noticing the open sewer grate in the front of it.

" Oh shit , no . MANHOOLE !" Hoxton yelled out as he quickly rushed to the back of the bank to find some planks, but he also noticed the broken vent above him. "VEEEENT ! " he yelled

" Manhole ? " Chains asked as he franticaly reloaded his shotgun, occasionally dropping a shell or two and scrambling to pick them up.

" Vent ?! " Dallas asked in fear as the safe finally opened , revealing a gold plated OVE9000 saw with infnite saw blades. Yet because of the vent announcement, he seemed not to care as he scrambled to reload his KSP light machine gun.

" WHICH ONE OF YOU S.W.A.T. FUCKS KNOWS WHERE THE NEAREST ARBY'S IS ?! " Wolf yelled out to the S.W.A.T. team preparing to infiltrate the bank.

" 42N'D STREET ! ITS JUST AROUND THE CORNER ! " an FBI shield yelled back to him.

" THANK YOUU ! "

"..."

" What ? I'm starving . "

" Chi chi chi ka ka ka . " a voice from seemingly nowhere whispered eerily into the heisters comns, making them all freeze.

"Cloaker."

"Cloaker."

"Cloaker."

" Wonder if S.W.A.T. vans were meant for being makeshift bumper cars. " Wolf thought to himself with a smile as he slowly snuck around the left side of the bank.

" Leedle leedle leedle lee ! " a voice similar to the first one sang out joyfully.

"..."

" The fuck, Eren ? " the first voice said, slightly unamused.

" Look , I'm tired. I''m kinda hungry, lets just get this over with already. i got band rehearsal in 15 minutes. "

" I see your point. Let's move ! "

" Alright everyone , keep your eyes open for-" Dallas started as he exited the managers office, standing in fron of an unbroken window.

"WULULULULULULULULULULULULLUULU-"

Before Dallas could finish, he found himself being kicked in the chest by a cloaker, launching him through the window and at the feet of another waiting cloaker outside.

"Listen here , I got this drum solo I've been working on . " the cloaker said to Dallas, who instantly covered his face with his arms.

Suprisingly, Dallas didn't feel the impact of a nightsitck. Instead, he looked up to see that the cloaker began playing a rather well-organied 36 seconds of an epic drum solo with a drumset he acquired from nowhere .

" Hm, not bad. I think you could've hit it harder towards the end." Dallas said as the cloaker finished his solo.

'' Oh , you want harder ?! " the cloaker screamed, his voice nearly breaking as he kicked dallas in the face, beating him down with his nightstick.

" Is this hard enough for ya ? IS THIS HARD ENOUGH FOR YOU !? " he screamed in rage as he struck Dallas with his nightstick, each blow harder than the last.

" Jeez , Eren . Calm down. And take it down a notch, will ya ? We're meant to look brutal, not like monsters. " the first cloaker said quietly to his comrade, wincing as he heard the sound of breaking bones.

'AGGHH ! FUCK YOU ! FUCK YOU KEAN ! NOBODY CRITICIZES ME ! NOBODY ! " the second cloaker roared as he pointed his nightstick towards the first cloaker, the latter letting out a yelp and cowering as Chains slowly approached from behind.

Before the Eren could attack Dallas any further, Wolf jumped down from the roof, landing behind him and repeatedly stabbing him in the back with a small kukri.

" YAAAAAAAAAAH ! SHINOBI MOTHAFUCKA ! I'M A NINJA ! YOU'VE GOT SOME COMPETITION IN THE STEALTH GAME NOW, BEEYOTCH ! " Wolf yelled out with glee as he stabbed Eren to death.

" Keean , avenge meee . Bleh ! " Eren groaned out as he slumped onto the ground, with literaly hundreds of stab wounds in his back.

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kean yelled out as he performed a spinning heel kick into the side of Chains' head and striking his exposed neck with his nightstick, causing the heister to gag as he fell to the ground.

In nearly the blink of an eye , Kean found himself literaly rushng out the back door, jump kicking Hoxton as he enterered with some planks.

" Ah shit ! Someone heeelp ! " Hoxton yelled before kean kicked him in the face, rushing out the door to confront Wolf, who somehow made his way to the parking lot.

" You could've got me up , Wolf ! YA DICK ! " Dallas yelled as a bulldozer dragged him away to place him in custody.

" The better to FUCK you with ! " Wolf yelled out before he noticed an extremely pissed off Kean.

" Come at me , bro ! I ain't afraid of you ! " Wolf challenged, swinging his kukri threatiningly towards Kean.

'WULULULULULULULULULULUULULU-"

" LEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYY-" Wolf screamed as he charged towards Kean.

" ONIII CHAAAAAAAAN ! " a high pitched, radio like female voice yelled out from nowhere as a black blur smashed into Kean, causing wolf to stop charging as he stared at the sight before him ; a FEMALE cloaker rubbing Kean's face into her rather well-endowed chest while babbling something about "Onii chan ! " repeatedly .

" Well, that was unexpected. Back to what I was originally doing. " Wolf said, somewhat confused as he walked off, throwing his kukri at a sniper.

" D-damnit Kanazaki ! I thought i told you NOT to follow me here ! " Kean said as he struggled to pry his captor off of him, who simply giggled as she hugged Kean.

" How could I stand back as Onii Chan charged into battle so bravely ? I couldn't help myself ! "

" Didn't Eren tie you up before we left ? "

" You know I always carry a knife in my back pocket, Onii Chan "

" A'ight . This has officialy gotten too weird for me. I'm just gonna stop this robbin' and shit ! Fuck Bain, fuck the Elephant, Fuck Vlad, Hector, and whoever the fuck else we do this shit for ! I'm just gonna finish getting my accounting degree. I'm gonna go legit ! " Chains declared as he tore off his mask and gloves , walking towards the front door of the bank.

BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !

" AND FUCK THIS BROKE DICK USELESS PIECE OF SHIT DRILL ! " Chains yelled as he threw his knife at it, finally breaking it in two.

* * *

 **Nearby...**

" Aaaaand as usual, everything went to shit when we tried to stealth it. Again. On pro. " Dallas commented to Hoxton in the back of a squad car.

" Extra guard you forgot about ? " the black bulldozer that brought them in asked as he wrote a report in the passenger seat of the squad car.

" You know it. "

" Sucks doesn't it ? "

" Yup. Say, what happened to Hank ? "

" Who's Hank ? "

" A bulldozer friend of yours. . Said he'd be hiding to REALLY surprise us. "

" Did ya drill into the vault ? "

"No, Chains left and broke the drill."

" Well, he's dead then. "

" How so ? " Hoxton asked ?

 **Inside the vault...**

'They all laughed at me ! They all said I was crazy hiding inside a safety deposit box for robbers. Said they'd never show up. but here they are ! They'll drill into the vault and open up the first safety deposit box and BAM ! Bulldozer time ! Just hope they get in here before I pass out or die from heat stroke. They'll see . I'll prove that I'm not crazy. How the hell did I stuff myself in here ? ' A skulldozer thought to himself as he giddily waited inside a safety deposit box, unaware of the broken for good drill.

LEEVE A FAVURYTE EEF U CRAI EVEREHTHYME !

 **Back outside...**

" I see. " Hoxton responded, unsure of how to feel

" Say, what happened to Wolf ? "

" Bu-bu-bu-bump-" Wolf cheered, racing down the street towards the squad car in a black S.W.A.T. truck.

" Oh SHIT ! " Dallas yelled out loud.

" Drive , Bulldozer ! DRIVE ! "Hoxton yelled to the black bulldozer

" I don't have the keys on me ! Hank did ! And I can't get out with this GOD DAMN NECK GORGET ! " the black bulldozer responded, fear in his voice as Wolf's van neared them.

" FUCK ! " Hoxton yelled out.

But suddenly, a second black S.W.A.T. roared out of the alley and drove towards Wolf.

"Ba-ba-bump-" a green bulldozer cheered as he sped owards the madman.

" BUMPER CARS ! " both screamed as the vans collided in front of the bank, Wolf's van flipping over the bulldozer's and flying into the sky, while the bulldozer's van smashed into Chains as he exited the bank while smashing through the walls of the building, obliterating the lobby and smashing open the vault while Wolf's van performed acrobatics, tearing up the road and sending chunks of deris everywhere before landing on it's back doors, towering over the squad car.

" Oh thank god, it stopped. " Dallas sighed in relief.

" WULULULULULULULU-"

Without a warning, Kanuzaki appeared from nowhere and daintily kicked the leaning S.W.A.T. van, causing it to tilt forward and smash the squad car, crushing the heisters and the bulldozer.

" I told you I could knock it over , Onii Chan. Now you know what you owe me ! " she said before giggling lightly.

" Ughhh, alright. " Kean groaned as he spread his arms open.

" Bring it i-"

" ONII CHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN ! " she screamed as she dove onto Kean, hugging him and rubbing her face against his, babbling Onii Chan repeatedly.

" That-" Wolf started groggily from the inside of his van.

" Turned out-" The green bulldozer started as well, somewhat weary from the crash.

" Exactly as planned. " Wolf said excitedly as both vans caught on fire before exploding.

* * *

Bank Heist : Failed.

Heist failed. No money will be paid out, all assets have been locked, and any valuables that have been found have been confiscated.

As Wolf would put it ; " You gotta start over, BITCH !" His words. Not ours.


	2. Will there be an actual plot to this ?

" Soo, you're hittin' the exact same fuckin' bank you hit last week ? " asked a skeptical Hoxton as the van made its way to the Harvest & Trustee bank, which had been repaired by quite an amazing construction crew ( who, unlike the police, could do their damn jobs right without the aid of 1000 special units) after the anitics of Wolf and the green Bulldozer.

After recovering from critical injuries by a good night's sleep, the crew had broken the old ("I'm not old, you bloody wanker ! " ) Hoxton out to account for Chains' sudden departure. Yeah, that was canon...to this series .

" Yes. "

" The same bank where you lot royally cocked up ? "

" Yes . "

" Only this time, you're sayin' "fuck stealth . Let's go Arnold Schwarzenegger on the place " , right ? "

" Yes."

" And Wolf, the one that fucked it all up and nearly killed you is comin' along ? "

" Yes. "

"...Dallas, that makes no fuckin' sense whatsoever. "

" For the sake of these random stories, it does. " Input Houston, breaking the fourth wall.

" Yeah, and neither does all of us surviving injuries that should've killed all of us by sleeping it off . I mean, seriously, if the van crushing Houston , Dallas, and Chains didn't kill them, or me, the explosions should have." Wolf said, somehow being heard despite suntanning on the roof of the van.

" At least it took out a Dozer, am I right ? "

" Nnnnot exactly, Hox. " was Dallas' reply.

" What do you mea-"

" He's our driver that won't get killed instantly if the author gets off his lazy ass and writes a Watchdogs or escape chapter. " Houston said from the passenger seat of the van. Stop breaking the 4th wall !

" We're comin' up on the bank and, HOLY HELL it looks like fuckin' Afghanistan out there. Oh god, the flashbacks ! They're coming back ! AGHHHHHHH ! GRENAADE ! WHISKEY ! FOXTROT ! DELTA ! SNIPERS ON THE RIDGE ! CHARLIE ON OUR SIX ! MILITARY TERMS ! AGHHHHHHHH! " the green Bulldozer from yesterday cried as the van slammed into a lamp post . Wolf screamed as he flew towards the bank.

" Fuckin' hell. " Houston murmured as he rose from his slumped position, blood trickling from his forehead as he observed the scene in front of him. Indeed, the bank did look like hell. Firstly, the thought-to-be bulletproof shop windows across from the main entrance had been shattered, police cars and several other vehicles had been overturned and were up in flames, and dead S.W.A.T. , Spec-Ops, and special units lay strewn across the street, some missing body parts. Most notably, the standard police chopper and Black Hawk had been downed, the Black Hawk's twisted remains having crashed into the sniper perch across from the front of the bank, and the standard police helicopter had torn up the parking lot with the open metal gate. Yet, neither had been taken down by explosives of any kind, but rather, bullets marked the area near and directly on the pilot's seat and the canopy around it.

" The fuck happened here ? It's like a Batman movie or something. " Houston asked as 2 prongs suddenly attatched to his chest, and he found himself being tased.

"WHBHWHWBYUFEGUYCCSTJETDCGYTC-"

" Damnit Taser, we haven't even entered casing mode yet ! " Dallas yelled from the back of the van.

" Sorry. I-i-i-i-i'm jumpy after...after..IGOTTAGETTHEHELLOUTTA'HERE ! " the special unit said, removing the prongs from a convulsing Houston before scrambling off in the direction the crew had arrrived in.

" We should check out the bank. " Dallas spoke up as he kicked out the vans back doors and began a jog towards the bank, the others, save for Houston and Wolf, the heisters approaching with their masks on and pistols drawn, the Bulldozer ready with his signature shotgun . As for Wolf, he'd been lodged feet-first into the side of the bank, still in a sun-tanning position. He merely glanced at the crew for a second before returning to his activity.

The sight the crew came across when entering was puzzling.

Yes , there were more brutally killed law enforcement officers, 4 or so security guards, and the usual property damage that came with the usual firefight, but the strange part was the civillians.

None had been tied down. Instead, they all lay on the ground with their eyes covered, some whimpering with fear, and a few screaming ,either out of fear or relief as they saw the Bulldozer.

" Monsters. " one woman muttered as Hoxton stepped over her.

" Jesus, this is worse than anything you guys ever did. " mused the Bulldozer as he maneuvered around the corpse of a Shield unit, who appeared to have his neck broken by his OWN shield slamming onto his throat. Several times.

" Guys, might wanna check out the vault. " Wolf's voice cried out from the back of the bank.

" How'd you-"

" I went around the back. "

" There's a damn hole in the wall near the manager's office. " the Bulldozer brought forward.

Hoxton had chosen to cut through the printing room, moving backwards while keeping an eye on the civies, just in case. Only about half a step through he bumped into something.

Hoxton spun and found himself goggles-to-mask with a cloaker.

His initial response had been to call out the unit before it downed him, but only then did he realize that the special-unit was hanging halfway upside down from the vent, full of holes , and his goggles glew green still, most likely in an attempt to down whoever had been under the vent. A knife had been lodged into his chest.

"Least there's no noise..." Hoxton mused to himself, remembering the yodel the unit let out as it charged Wolf during his breakout.

Without warning, he grabbed the heister.

"Pl-pleasse...heeeeelp..." the distorted voice croaked as Hoxton struggled to free himself before the unit coughed and convulsed violently, choked, reached for the knife, and went limp.

" Guys, you're never gonna beli-why is there a Bulldozer on our comns unit ? " came the voice of Bain through the crew's headsets.

" THE RAANDOM ! " Houston called from the van.

" You know what , forget it. Someone already hit the Harvest and Trustee, about twice as hard as you've ever have. "

" Little late for that, Bain. " Dallas remarked.

" Remember the crossroads where we hit those few hundred GenSec convoys ? They're heading there right now, planning on using an armored truck as an escape vehicle. The police actually used their brains and destroyed their original escape "

" WHY did we never think of that ?! " Wolf asked from nowhere.

" Why'd WE never try denying your escape ? Seriously, I've seen your van in plain sight a few times, but Noooo, " Go for the heisters" , they said. " Input the bulldozer.

" THE RAN-"

" Shut up, Houston, or we're gonna have a serious fuckin' problem ! " the Bulldozer yelled, pumping his shotgun menacingly.

" That's my line..." Hoxton said quietly.

" You want some too ? "

" Bring it ! "

" Guys you'll have plenty of time to settle things with a fistfight later. Right now..the author's run out of ideas for this scene.. Soo, transition to your competition...now ! "

*Insert Batman transition here*

* * *

 **The crossroads**

Damn, it felt good to drive a GenSec truck. This was the thought currently populating Bob's mind at the moment as he stopped the truck at the intersection. Where a few hundred other convoy's had been robbed.

By the same guys.

And the only real security upgrade was not reinforced doors or a change in route, but putting singular Dozers in the back at random, but Bob didn't give a damn. Yeah, the light wasn't red, and he, along with the rest of the convoy, was holding up traffic a bit, but working for GenSec meant you had the right to be a dick.(Seriously , FUCK SKULLDOZERS)

Besides, working for a company bested by the guys that made you fall off a roof and break 95% of the bones in your body was a much better career than helping the very guy that made you fall off the roof or making Bulldozer Bobbleheads, right ?

Work for Gensec

Stop it.

*12 seconds later*

No, this was not a better career option.

Yes it is. #WorkForGensec

Stop it, captain ! Get outta my hou- *gets whacked in the face with a shield*

In the instant the light actually turned red, shit went down.

I gotta stop letting Wolf in here

Guns went off , smoke deployed out of nowhere, the screams of the drivers in cars 2 and 3 filled the air, and surprisingly, a man had swung through the open passenger seat window Bob had left open like an acrobat, and a heavily modified Desert Eagle had been pressed up against his jaw before he could even yelp in suprise.

The man wore an open black shirt with red floral designs running down either side, a white shirt with a red outline of a vulture spreading its wings, black jeans, leather gloves, a simple black belt with a rectangular silver buckle, black biker boots, a small vial of some red liquid tied to his neck with a small string, a long necklace of bear teeth with a silver skull for a medallion, a black and red backpack , and an all black motorcycle helmet

" You wanna live and make some money in the process ? " he asked.

Bob's response was to nod rapidly.

" Then get out, open the back, get outta the way, and when my guys are done, get in. "

Bob nodded before scrambling to open said door, somehow tripping over himself in the process. When he reached the rear of the armored truck, he saw the back of a van, the front end on fire, filled to the rim with duffel bags , near, 4 armed people in attire similar to the first man near it, weapons at the ready.

" What's the holdu-"was as far as the SkullDozer got. As soon as Bob opened the doors, a thick russian accent shouted for him to duck, and as soon as he did, whatever type of rounds they were packing just shredded the Dozers armor, and he slumped out of the armored vehicle.

When a sack had been draped over his head, his arms bound, and he was shoved into the back of the armored car, he realized only one thing ;

He was in for a hell of a week.

And he was so fired.

* * *

Holy crap ! Will this story have a plot now ?

The answer id-*passes out from sheild induced concussion*


End file.
